The Fear Of Being Yourself

If I were to give a time frame, my journey into self-discovery started in 2008. I refer to this specific time because as I remember, that's when God first started teaching me about finding myself in him & not how I dressed or what I looked like from the outside. This is the mistake that many young people make today, we tend to find our identity in the latest fashion trends. Don't find yourself in things because after a while you will feel empty. He brought it to my attention that outside beauty doesn't equal internal beauty, nor does it equate to any valuable self-content.

The more I got to know myself & unveiled new layers of my personality, the more I really wanted to be myself. It's so sad that there was a moment in time that I didn't know myself at all. Not because I didn't like myself, but because I didn't know myself to want to be me. We all experience that  period of lack of self-knowledge, however some never discovered themselves at all, they got lost in fake identities.

The part view of self is not the complete picture of you.

Learn the difference between constructive cricism of who you are and destructive critisim. You don't need to know everyone's opinion of you because they all don't matter. 

The part of me that was known to people was the energetic & loud side. Some made me feel wrong to be all that, so I disliked the loud side of me. I tried so often to tame & silence it. I really wanted to be like the quiet girls because I thought those were the type that were considered more womanly & had etiquette. People say woman are to be seen and not heard, well I am both seen & heard. This made me think maybe something is wrong with me, maybe I'm not a woman. I so badly wanted to be like the quiet girls. The other side of me, the deep thinker, the smart, intelligent side of me; very few people saw that. The only people who truly experienced that side of me were my close friends. Even some members of my family have always perceived me to be a crazy loud mouth that's always excited.

Because of all these misconceptions of me, I developed a serious fear of self. It got really bad that sometimes when I was around people, who I knew judged me solely on the facts that they thought I was loud, it would make me uncomfortable & quiet. I would freeze up because I didn't want to end up doing anything to prove that I was more than what they perceived me to be. I have always hated the idea of proving myself to anyone. Although, it used to bother me a lot how people saw me and how some still see me today, I have always said to myself I will not prove myself to anyone. Not because of pride, but because I believe not everyone is meant to get you and who you are. We all have our own audience, nonetheless I still had to overcome it and find confidence in who I am, accept or not.

The fear of being yourself is a very scary thing. How could I be so insecure about "self"? Some people don't even know they have this fear of themselves because often when we speak of insecurities, the focus is primarily on external appearance and the insecurities present there! Things that we can nip & tuck with surgery or cover up with a little make up. But the true insecurity of "Self" is overlooked; the loss of your true identity because of the fear of people's judgement of who you truly are.

Some suffer from this identity crisis, not because they don't know themselves or who they are but rather they know exactly who and what they are; however the fear of their true selves holds them back, because who they are is the type of person that isn't accepted by the masses. More so who they are is not the norm. In essence, their true identity is the type that is rejected by the majority.

We all judge each other everyday, but very few take the time out to evaluate the type of judgements they receive. Because naturally I'm a thinker, I got into a habit of dissecting & really looking into why people assumed that I am less than what I am because I'm naturally loud.

I tried to understand why in society today you can't be both loud & smart. Pretty and a Genius. Wild & Constrained. Why cant we be both ends of the spectrum? We are so one dimensional, it's either black or white there are no grey areas.

Had God not stopped me and showed me who I am, when he did,  I would be the most insecure person you'd ever meet. Not because I think less of my physical appearance, it has nothing to do with whether my physical appearance is pleasant to the eyes or not! I like myself physically! But it has more to do with the fact that because I look the way I do people naturally assume I'm a certain way! She's 5'3, black, loud and nothing more, but in reality, internally my personalities are so extreme. I have always struggled to understand why people would never expect me to be smart because I look this way or why I'm very animated.

I answered the call to be everything God said I am and all that he hoped I'll be. I learnt that it's ok for me to be loud & wise. Excited & intelligent.

If you met me with my black hair you may think I'm too conservative & boring. But with the blonde hair you'd think, I'm free spirited and wild. Believe it or not I am both. When I'm serious, I'm too serious that it is boring to some & when I'm wild it's just too crazy for some, but that's who I am. I'm an extremist in my core and I'm ok with that. Just because people don't expect both ends of the spectrum to coexist in one person it doesn't mean I can't be it. I'm the type of person, if you box me in you will never get me.

Now, I'm not too fussed if some people only experience one side of me and not the other and they walk away from me thinking no she's just wild I can't deal with her! Oh well!

This is it.

You have to accept that not everyone will like you, not everyone will truly experience all the dimensions of your personality and all the amazing stuff you are at heart and that's ok. As long as you answer the call to be everything God imagined you'll be.

As you journey into self and you learn to be comfortable in who you are, don't let anyone make you feel wrong to be what you are. Don't be defensive but be open to constructive criticisms for improvement sake. Don't walk in the shadow of someone else trying to be what you think is more acceptable. Find happiness in everything you have uncovered that you are and embrace yourself and be proud of you. 

Lastly consider this, God entrusted you with such an amazing character to be in this life time, why would you want to be anything other.  

Know that imitators of people don't make if far and they're never remembered, but genuine authentic souls are timeless.

 Love YOU first and love THEM all always XOX